by Mike Vanderboegh
26 July 2008
"Dulce et decorum est pro patria pedere"
Busy with other things, I let slide commenting upon the 100th anniversary of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
That is not to say I didn't give some careful thought as to the appropriate words I should use when I finally did set my thoughts to Internet ether.
I have had occasion to meet many FBI agents, SACs and ASACs over the past 15 years. Some, a few, were patriotic Americans who did their best to balance their principles against the demands of an agency the Founders would have found abhorrent to individual liberty. For their troubles, they were transferred to out of the way field offices, harassed and forced to retire early. Frederick Whitehurst comes first to mind.
The Fibbies, as I began calling them in the 90s, are America's secret police, our Stazi, our Geheim Staats Polizei. If they exercise their power in milder form, its only because the Imperial Presidencies they serve have not yet asked them to go further. They have a notoriously poor record of refusing to serve the Power. Indeed, throughout their history, they have been interested more in bureaucratic survival and aggrandizement of their fiefdom and power than in constitutional law enforcement.
Items that never made it as scripts on an Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. television show:
** Few folks know, but the dynamite for the 16th Street Church bombing here in Birmingham, Alabama in 1963 was provided to the Klan bombers by an FBI informant. The recent prosecution of those of the bombers who had escaped justice earlier was delayed until that informer was safely dead and could not be called.
** The FBI, which was tasked with enforcing federal civil rights laws in the '60s, spent more time investigating people in the Civil Rights movement that J. Edgar Hoover considered "radical extremists," such as Martin Luther King and the Deacons for Defense and Justice, than they did the Klan.
** Lon Horiuchi, the FBI sniper who, in 1992, killed Vicki Weaver while she held her baby in her arms.
** COINTELPRO, the FBI program for domestic spying in the '70s.
** 19 April 1993, the immolation of seventy plus recalcitrant religious sect members, mostly innocent old folks, women and children, who had previously successfully (and later determined by a jury, lawfully) defended their home and church from an ATF attack.
** The cover-up of the true circumstances and plotters of the Oklahoma City Bombing (something of which I have personal knowledge, just Google my name and The John Doe Times). NeoNazi and Identity terrorists were given a pass by the Fibbies, in order to protect the identity of their own informants within the conspiracy. They covered up their own incompetence -- incompetence which led to the murder of almost 200 innocents on 19 April 1995.
** How they spied on the constitutional militia movement so intently, that they let the Al Quaeda threat slip by them, resulting in 11 September 2001.
I thought about these things, which are by no means a complete list of the FBI's sins.
I pondered, and considered how best to comment upon them.
And then, slowly, an idea snuck up on me.
It moved within me like a niggling suspicion, forming, growing.
And then, all of a sudden its sweet and fitting character was absolutely crystal clear and explosively powerful to me, both intellectually and physically.
How best to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the FBI?
And I farted.
Loudly, longly and, I must confess, with a simply awful bouquet.
"Dulce et decorum est pro patria pedere," with apologies to Horace.
Sometimes, such as an FBI anniversary, "it is sweet and fitting to fart for one's country."
Thus did I celebrate the FBI's solemn and sacred anniversary.
All that remained was tell you, my fellow gunnies, how I did. And that, dear readers, I have now done.
Given the oppressively incompetent way the Bureau has ill-served the American people and the Constitution its agents swore to maintain over the past 100 years, I shudder to think what new murderous excesses we can expect in its second century.
Alleged Leader of a "Merry Band" of Three Percenters
PO Box 926
Pinson, AL 35126