From An Overseas Reader: An Islamic Valentine for Lara Logan

Over the transom of the WRSA International desk comes this thought-provoking essay. Note that for young people or other folks not steeped in wonderfully-diverse and equally-valid cultures from around the world, some of the following content may be disturbing:

Pssst…that catchy title was just to grab your attention. This letter is meant for you infidel men.

You infidel women, please click back to fuzzy bunnies and unicorns. I’ll wait.

[Dum-dee-dum dum…]

All men now? Good.

Don’t worry, this isn’t about flowers, candy or cards. Of course the very idea is ridiculous. Valentine’s Day is an infidel holiday celebrating lewd, immoral and licentious behavior typical to your fallen religions. Trust me when I say we have nothing like Valentine’s Day in the one true religion of peace.

And men, isn’t it better for us that we don’t have it in our religion? No need to buy your wife flowers, candies or even a card on Valentine’s or any other day. This is just one small example of why the one true religion is better for men, and why you should seriously consider switching over while we’re still taking volunteers.

And it’s really easy to join. Just say one prayer, and you’re in for life.

Here’s another good reason to switch. Say you don’t feel like showing tender affection to your wife. You don’t have to! In fact, if she burns dinner, doesn’t clean the house, or pisses you off in any way you can just back-hand her, (as long as you don’t break any bones or mark her face.) In fact, it’s okay for you to give her a good thrashing now and then to get her back into line. Why? Because it says it’s okay in the holy books of the one true religion of peace, that’s why.

Don’t worry, the bruises covering the rest of her body won’t show, because (isn’t this great!) a wife can never leave the house while showing one square centimeter of bare uncovered skin that’s not between her eyes and her chin. Which is mighty handy, in case she’s still covered with bruises from her last few disciplinary sessions. And as long as you are careful not to beat her face in, she can still go out in public to do your shopping, (while properly attired, of course).

Here’s another reason why the one true religion is better for us men. Maybe your wife just doesn’t have the old sex-appeal any more. The thrill is gone. No problem! You can remarry, and bring a second, third or a fourth wife home. You don’t have to even ask the old bat’s permission. Whom you marry is up to you and you alone in the one true religion, because you are a man! If wife-number-one doesn’t want you bringing that pretty little thing home to your bed, well too bad for wife-number-one. She has no say in the matter. You may do what you want, because you are a man!

Now, my infidel friend and prospective member of the one true religion of peace, maybe you’re not such a handsome young stud yourself any more. You’re over forty, and you haven’t exactly been working out and keeping buff. Don’t worry, that’s not a problem. Let’s say your brother has a cute little daughter, Fatima. She’s going to be turning thirteen soon. For the first eleven or twelve years of her life she was allowed the run of the block like a free-spirited little sprite. Uncovered, just as cute as a button, and sure to be one hot number once she passes through puberty.

And as luck would have it, you also have a daughter of fourteen or so (perhaps from your second wife) who is not exactly getting any younger and you want her out of the house. Perhaps she is not as pretty as Fatima, but don’t worry, your brother is not as picky as you are. That’s right! You can trade your adolescent daughter to your brother, and he can reciprocate with Fatima. What a great deal this is for us men, under the rules of the one true religion of peace. In this way, you can keep a fresh stock of nubile teenage girls in your bed until you’re too old to want them any longer. And nobody can say a word against this excellent practice, because the prophet of the one true religion explicitly condones and encourages it as one of the very best ways to find a good wife. In fact, this is how the prophet found his favorite wife of all.

But what if your bubbly thirteen-year-old niece—excuse me—bride—objects to having sex with you, simply because you are forty-five and have a gray beard down to your big stomach? Ha-ha-ha! As if what she wants matters! Trust me, she has no say in the matter, none. If you and your brother like the idea of swapping teenage daughters for child brides, that’s all there is to it, it’s settled. (Some Western so-called scientists claim that all of this marrying of close relatives has caused so-called genetic problems, but what do they know? “Genetics” are not mentioned anywhere in our holy books, so they have no importance to members of the one true religion of peace.)

And if you like the girls really young, the one true religion is definitely for you. Even nine years old is plenty old enough for marriage and full marital relations. This was old enough for the Prophet and his very favorite young niece-bride, so don’t worry about catching any flak from other members of the one true religion. If a nine-year-old bride was old enough for the prophet (when he was in his fifties), it is old enough for any male member of the one true religion of peace.

But what if that hot new child bride is not in the mood to satisfy your male needs? Those teenagers (and preteens) can be quite a handful, as we all know. Well, she’d better get in the mood, if she doesn’t want a good thrashing! Our holy books are very clear on this. But what if she still won’t receive your overtures when you want to lay a little loving on her? You have even beaten her black and blue (except on her face), but to no avail. She’s lost that loving feeling, or maybe she never had it in the first place. Some teenage brides are just like that.

Men, this part is great, you will just love it. And this goes for any of your wives, from your oldest to your youngest. Just divorce them, by saying “I divorce thee!” That’s it! No lawyers, no paperwork, no alimony. After this legally-binding divorce occurs she’s thrown out on the street, penniless and rejected by society. The witch will soon be begging on a corner. She’s not exactly a pretty sight, but lucky for us men we don’t have to see her, since she’s just a lump in a burqa, squatting on the sidewalk with only her begging cup showing. Her pitiful example will also do wonders to encourage your other wives to please you better.

Isn’t that great, men? Truly, the one true religion of peace is perfect for us.

Of course we men all understand that women are the morally weaker half of humanity. According to our holy books their inborn tendency is toward sensuality and sin. This is why we have their clitorises surgically removed when they are children. (Well, the “surgery” is usually just performed with an ordinary razor, without anesthesia while the screaming girl is held down, but you know what I mean. And they get over it pretty soon.)

Without those little sensuality-seeking pleasure spots, wives are a lot less likely to step out on their husbands. And I am very happy to report that Egypt leads the entire world in conducting this procedure, with over ninety percent of our girls prevented from experiencing unnecessary sexual pleasure due to the excision of their disgusting little pleasure-seekers. (Hmmm…why did a perfect god put these little mistakes on girls in the first place? Never mind.)

Now, some of you infidels might mention those year-by-year pictures of the graduating classes of Cairo University, with the female grads posing shamelessly uncovered until fairly recently. Long, flowing hair, right down past their shoulders! Shocking! Disgusting! But today, I am happy to report, 100% of the female graduates of Cairo U. are now wearing the hijab scarf or even the full face-covering veil. This shows that we are making true progress at containing women’s baser instincts to constantly charm, bewitch and seduce pious men.

In recent years our local women seem to have all received the message, and their lust-stoking female hair is no longer seen in public in Cairo where I live. (A little hydrochloric acid splashed in the faces of uncovered women also goes a long way toward encouraging the rest of them to understand the importance of female modesty in the one true religion of peace. Just a few burned and scarred examples will usually do the trick.)

This brings us at last to the case of Lara Logan. It was our holy day when the dictator fled and naturally the crowds on the square were in a celebratory mood. Spirits were running high. And right there in the middle was that infamous Western whore, strutting among the valiant crowds of pious men, shamelessly displaying all of her long blond hair to countless thousands of practitioners of the one true religion of peace. Why, the brazen hussy even dared to show her bare neck clear down past her collar bones!

Of course this would inflame any crowd of normal men who were pious followers of the one true religion. Long gorgeous flowing blond hair, a bare neck showing pure white skin, and bare naked collar bones! Even my grandmother understood what would happen. “Bare meat,” she would call an uncovered Western whore like Lara Logan. What else do you expect from devout practitioners of the one true religion of peace when they see “bare meat” than to try to grab some of it for themselves? After all, that’s only normal male human nature, as explained in our holy books.

(And if Lara Logan wasn’t actually a Jew, she sure was acting and dressing like one.)

Men, women are eternally devious little temptresses. It’s their fallen nature, as members of the weaker sex. Temptation can even happen at work. Suppose you see a brazen female co-worker slutting it around the office, showing her unrestrained hair, perhaps wearing a shape-revealing blouse, or tight jeans or an immodest (non-floor-length) skirt. She’s just asking for sex, dressing like that! A loose woman like that has already lost her chastity, so she is there for the taking. Bare meat, on a plate!

Maybe you are alone with her in the stock room for a while. Well, take her! She is advertising to the world that she is an immoral whore and not a properly chaste member of the one true religion of peace, so why not? And don’t worry about being charged with the Western crime of rape. Were there four male witnesses to the act? I didn’t think so! That is why you cornered her in the stock room in the first place.

In the unlikely event that she dares to bring a charge of rape without the required four male witnesses, you can just say that it was her idea to conduct an adulterous liaison, and she seduced you with her female charms. Perfectly understandable! In the one true religion of peace, a man’s testimony counts twice a woman’s, so you win! Every time!

And do you know what the penalty for her adultery will be? Being stoned to death, while buried up to her shoulders in the ground. That little possibility sure keeps the frequency of rape charges way down, so don’t worry about grabbing a piece of strange if and when the opportunity presents itself. You always win, she always loses.

Yes, it is certainly great to be a man in the one true religion of peace. My infidel friend, give it another look, while we’re still taking volunteers. Think it over, carefully. If we have to wait too long to hear from you, you might not get the same great deal. And don’t worry about consulting your wife in making your decision. Her opinion is irrelevant.

See, you are liking the idea better already.

Sincerely,

Abdul al-Anonymo
Dar al-Islam

A faithful adherent of the one true religion of peace,
given to us in perfect completion by the most perfect man in history.
*********

PS: The transmittal email also expressed thanks to the Government of the United States over the past two Presidential administrations for the vast military and economic support of the constitutional establishment and maintenance of Sharia law (see these five videos by Robert Spencer for background) in what we infidels refer to as Iraq and Afghanistan.

You may also be interested in a European perspective on this subject:



And for the record, following the production of that video, Elisabeth Sabaditsch-Wolff was convicted by an Austrian court on February 15th on charges of "vilifying religious teachings".

Do you understand yet?